A Different Way to Think about Therapy Goals
Many people think they need to come to therapy with a clear list of goals, priorities and an explanation for what is “wrong.” They might even delay starting therapy because they don’t have that insight.
The good news is that therapy isn’t a test you need to prepare for. Instead, it is a collaborative space where we work together to figure out what matters most to you. More often than not, people I meet with tell me something like “I know I don’t feel good but I don’t know what to work on.” That is a great place to start.
Where do we start
A lot of us know that we want to “feel better” but struggle to define what feeling better would actually look like. The first thing that comes to us is often what we don’t want. I hear things like:
I want to feel less anxious
I don’t want to burn out
I don’t want to keep losing relationships
I don’t want to overthink as much
Those speak to what we want to move away from; they are helpful and important pieces of clarity. And they only paint half the picture. To feel a real sense of progress, we also want to know what to move toward.
A question I’ll often ask people in our first session is “If therapy were helpful, what would I notice 6 months from now?”
This question can help reveal to us what kind of journey we want to undertake. We don’t have to know our destination with precision - instead we are looking for the signs that we are moving in the right direction.
What People Notice
When people describe positive signs of change, they say things like:
In their body
I sleep more consistently.
My shoulders aren’t always tense.
I can sit still.
In their relationships
I ask for help.
Conflict feels okay to deal with.
I stop apologizing for having needs.
In their mind
I don’t spiral for hours.
I trust myself more.
I am kinder to myself.
In their daily life
I can rest without guilt.
I make decisions more easily.
I enjoy things again.
If any of these speak to you, they might be meaningful parts of your therapy goals.
Growing and Changing Goals
After we establish our foundation and begin moving through the work, you might notice new insights that arise. Sometimes those insights will mean your goals will change over the course of therapy.
A lot of times people come to therapy with a single goal in mind - like, “I want my anxiety to go away.” As we work together, though, we might uncover something deeper. We might find issues around self-trust, setting boundaries, tolerating uncertainty, holding space for grief or building relationships that feel reciprocal.
Therapy goals don’t have to be perfect or fixed in place. It’s okay if we are starting with “I don’t know. I just want something to change.” Part of therapy is learning language for your experience.
Reflection Questions
If you are considering starting therapy, you might ask yourself,
What do you hope will feel easier 6 months from now?
What would your body notice?
What would your weekends and evenings look like?
What would you be doing more of?
What would you be doing less of?
Therapy isn't about becoming someone new. It's about creating enough safety, wisdom, and flexibility that you have more choice in how you respond to life. Sometimes we begin with clear goals. Sometimes we begin with uncertainty. Both are welcome.